How to Hold Personal Boundaries with Family

Many of us are excited to celebrate the holidays, but some of us are slightly concerned or even dreading them thanks to family dynamics. Maybe you have a toxic relationship with a family member, or hate watching others have conflict. Maybe you hate getting interrogated about the markers of your personal life, questioned about life choices or identities, or get triggered into past versions of yourself. Today we’re going to talk about creating and upholding personal boundaries, and share some tips for what to do if you’re feeling trapped at the dinner table.

1. Identify Your Boundaries

Before you walk in the door, take the time to reflect on your own needs and limitations. Consider what aspects of your life are non-negotiable and where you need more space. This self-awareness is the first step in establishing boundaries that align with your values and priorities.

2. Find your allies

If you have a trusted sibling, cousin, aunt, etc., tell them about your boundaries so they can support you and help change the subject or defend you if necessary. If you don’t have someone on the inside of your family, tell a friend and ask if you can text or call them in a tight spot.

3. Speak your truth

Give your family the chance to act appropriately. If someone steps on a boundary, respond calmly but firmly that you’d like to talk about something else. Effectively communicating your boundaries is key to their success. Use "I" statements to avoid sounding accusatory, such as, "I would rather enjoy our time together than talk about that," instead of, "You always invade my personal space."

4. Hot-potato the conversation

If the potential for pushback is too stressful for you, or if your family hasn’t taken boundaries well in the past, change the subject to something you know will get a rise out of everyone. Maybe it’s the performance of a football team, bringing up a family tradition, Black Friday plans, a funny memory from last year, or a piece of personal news you’re excited to talk about.

5. Take a break

If you find yourself getting emotional or anxious, excuse yourself from the table. Head to the bathroom, the yard, or even take a walk down the street to calm down. Call a friend if you need to.

6. Sometimes it’s out of your control

If you’ve set clear boundaries, communicated them to your family, enlisted the help of allies, took some time to cool down, and you’re still feeling unsafe, it’s ok to honor your mental health and leave. If it’s easier, you can even blame it on something else. The point is, you took a stand for yourself, and that’s huge. Your boundaries are worth standing up for. We’re so proud of you, no matter what.

Your family may not understand that holding a boundary isn’t you trying to punish them, or being selfish. Though they may not understand why you’re setting and holding boundaries at first, it’s possible that a family member might watch you and be inspired to hold their own boundaries and respect the boundaries of others. Remember, boundaries are not barriers; they are bridges that enhance understanding, respect, and love within the bonds that matter most.